understanding changes

I'm a very type A personality. Wanting to do well; expecting to do well; expecting to do it all. And then I sometimes forget I've got MS. And then it raises its' ugly head. Which it did Monday, August 17, 2009. Oh, and wait, I've had this disease since July, 1983. You'd think I'd get used to it by now. But that's the problem. You get use to one set of changes, losses, and grief issues, and then more come your way. And not just in a day, a month, or a year. It might be several years. So, you've kinda gotten use to what you have, how to manuever, re-evaluated your dreams, and put them in motion....and then BAM...life changes again. Monday was very scary to me. I'd had some issues with my legs since last Friday, but they seemed to disappear Sunday and we had a great day. Monday, went to work, did my puttering around before 8:00 o'clock and then set in for the day. I love my job. Did you know that? I love Hospice of San Angelo. I love the people I work with. I love what we do. I love the purpose. I love that I'm back in school finishing my degree to be a social worker. And not just any social worker. A social worker with Hospice of San Angelo. Is that just not the coolest? ok, sorry, I digress. Back to Monday. At exactly 11:45 I had a fog come over me. It was almost an out of body experience. I had a cloud right in front of my eyes. I was typing on the computer (and no, I had not been typing very long, so it was not a "case of being in front of the computer too long) and I was having trouble seeing the letters. The phone was going crazy, which I'm very good at handling, but I was feeling confused. BUT MOST OF ALL, the fatigue that had enveloped me, became frightful. I could not shut my eyes for fear that I would die. I actually felt that. SOOO, David called the office; I told him to come get me. I was scared and didn't know what was going on. He told me he was on his way...I ended up calling Dr. N, the neurologist; won't even go there...it's too crazy and just makes me mad. By the time I got home, I was in full fledge hysteria. Pammie happend to call at that exact time. I scared to wazoooo out her. Went on to see my fabulous primary doctor, Dr. L,, who said full blown exacerbation with a full blown panic attack. Ok. Well, now that made sense. My life has been and is so great, I was not going to accept having my legs weak, not working, or any of the ms symptoms. But I'm not in charge of the lesions that are growing in my brain. With all of that said. I have made an appointment with my WONDERFUL neurologist in Dallas, tomorrow at 1:00!!!!! Can't tell you the happiest, relief, and anticipation I feel. Life is good. Will putter around today to get ready to leave at 5:00 am in the morning; hopefully in up at Pam's and Jim's house early enough to settle for a moment before we head to the doctor. I'm hopeful, whatever the outcome. Praise our precious Jesus Christ. Praise my sweet family, my sweet friends, my fabulous job. I ask for continued prayers and thank each of you for your love. Love, Katie